Archive for the 'Essays' Category

Patriotism Run Amok

A critique of Beth Chapman’s Stand Up for America rally speech. If you own Alabama State Treasury bonds, you’ll want to sell.
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You’re Cutting My WHAT?!?

Routine infant circumcision. If baby boys could talk, what do you think they’d say?
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Reflections 9/11

Lessons going unlearned can be funny or sobering. Guess which it is today?
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Winning the American Game

Words, words, and more words on how to get rich (hint: not quickly) and on how to properly understand this screwy board game called Life. I mean capitalism. Either way, time to sell the cattle ranch!
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How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds 5

Chinese airplane bumper cars, Microsoft’s Passport revoked, BC forgets to bring the funny, the NBA tries to get “in the zone,” and the hubris of dot-commers remembered with a sad shake of the head and roll of the eyes.
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How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds 4

Thus spake Zarathustra: Any commentary on 2001 shall include a Green Bay Packer with mouse ears, Dubya’s elevation to the presidency, a rash of dot-com deaths, and the latest in Microsoft idiocy. And so it was written.
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Let’s Be Careful Out There

I live my own episode of COPS. Guns, drugs, busts, sirens, traffic stops. An average night in the life of a Salem Police officer, an adrenaline rush of major proportions for me. Kudos and thanks to the men and women in blue.
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Election 2000: Winners and Losers

It was a time of marvelous political theatre if only for the reason that the suspense was thick and the losers plentiful. We won’t get it this good ever again.
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Election 2000: Brains on Display

I attempt the political punditry equivalent of Evel Knievel’s jump over the Snake River. Will I land safely on the other side by successfully predicting presidential election returns for all 50 states plus the District of Columbia? Or will my guesses turn out to be a crash and burn? Does a Nader victory equal an early parachute deployment? Will I ever stop with this lame stuntman metaphor and just get on with it? Sure thing.
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Ty’s Oregon Voters’ Guide 2000

Want somebody to tell you how to vote? Of course you do! You probably just don’t want it to be me. Oh well, one out of two ain’t bad.
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