I don’t care if it reminds you of Jesus on the cross. The duck is not for hitting.

—Erin, proving that the religious education of our kids is going just swell

You’re going to be a great big girl, and I’m going to be big mustache.

—Jonah explains the future to Elisha

Erin teaches high school English. Although the spelling has been cleaned up on some quotes so that they’re understandable, they’ve been left “as is” on others since the spelling errors are part of what’s funny. And now, Student Quotes courtesy of brave young writers finding their “voices.” We could hardly ask for better entertainment.

“I think we should come to school for like four and half hours. We should come in to school at 9:45 and come out like at one or 12:00 something.”

“I just wish, so wish, wish wish wish that I never cheated on him, and getting with his brother never helped my case.”

“There is among many issues that our high school classes do not address. The use of drugs is one of the issues that have elevated to be one of the leading and most concerned problems in schools across the United States. The other that I find is the misuse of young athletes by their coaches. This is what I believe to be the world’s biggest disadvantages to progression.”
—Opening paragraph of a student essay published in the Statesman-Journal’s Academic All-Stars section on Jan. 27, 2006.

“…But for me, passion can be summed up into two verbs: softball and reading.”

“It takes forever to heal a broken heart, but once it’s healed, it’s the best feeling ever!”

“Thoreau thinks he will gain more power and knowledge when he and nature unite in freedom.”

“Hatred towards Carrie from other students, scared to death from the cause of her mother, and feeling stupid for certain things was the main cause of the destruction of New England.”

“Huckleberry Finn, the King, the Duke, and the crockery basket are all guilty of wearing masks and contributing to the theme, Appearance vs. Reality.”

“What I see in the poem is that it’s like there is this girl who I believe is facing death right in the face.”

“This government they produced is called a documarcy.”

“Well its a horable world out there with ignerite people…”

“Self expression is one of the most underrated forms of communication of today…People have been expressing themselves throughout music for many years and should be allowed to do the same in school.”

“This song relates to me because like in everyone’s life, they probably have had a couple of close calls with life or anything.”

“Native Americans were the first known people to be on land.”

“I believe that I have been biting my tongs for long enough.”

“The reason I think a guitar describes me is because my dream is to be a famous guitar when I grow up.”

“You look like a synchronized swimmer synchronized with yourself.”
—Erin builds Jonah’s ego

Mom: “Are you going to celebrate?”
Ty: “Probably not.”
Mom: “Not even with a muffin?”
—Our 10-year anniversary plans fail to meet with Mom’s minimum level of celebration

“Who’s that? Who’s that in the microwave?”
—Erin asks Jonah about his reflection

“I’m just doing my turkey work.”
—Mom preps for Thanksgiving

“Joe, scoot in and be a salami.”
—Liz encourages Joe to take a seat

“Hey, what did you do with the other half of your diaper?”
—Ty confused by Jonah’s squirming

“It’s not a lotion, it’s lube! I hope my elbows are dry.”
—Ty, after Erin shares her oily hand cream

“We don’t have bags to save our lives.”
—Erin

“In three years you’re going to wake up and say ‘I love Eileen’ and then you’re going to cluck like a chicken.”
—Eileen gives Jonah a naptime talk

“Welcome to Earth. This is our planet.”
—Terri greets Jonah

“Oh, look! Dirt.”
—Erin gets excited about the strangest things

“You’re Playmate of the Year!”
—Erin congratulates Carol

“What am I? I’m a super…market!”
—Erin, searches for the right noun and misses

“Screw your dreams! We’re getting a Saturn!”
—Erin, mocks my long-standing love of the Toyota Camry

“She’s healthy as a horse.”—Ed
“Healthy as a horse?”—Bret
“Yeah, she could pull a plow….Of course she’s diabetic.”—Ed

“What kind of calendar is that? Is each month different?”
—Mom

“I don’t want to be a druggie. I’d rather be an alcoholic.”
—Sue, with a statement that, in context, actually made sense

“Sha-na-na you crazy diamond.”
—Erin mixes ’50s and ’70s rock, for what reason I’m not sure

“Way to be a beer!”
—Erin tries, and fails, to call me a “hero” (or so she claims)

“Would you like the Beaver fingers?”
—Erin offers the Carol the chance to keep some foam souvenirs from the baseball game

“Hurry up and flash us, Davison.”
—Joe, deep in the Ape Caves, issues a request I’ve not heard since at least college

“Welcome Barkdust!”
—Erin greets Carol and perhaps bestows a new nickname (Erin was quoting a sign in Battle Ground)

“The little camping monkeys done me wrong.”
—Ty forgets to reverse his sleep bag’s stuff sack to make a more comfortable pillow and grasps at straws to find somebody to blame

“First we’ll go to Dayville for lunch, then we’ll go commit suicide.”
—Dad, bemoaning the lack of good fishing on our Eastern Oregon trip

“This book is really, really, really repetitive.”
—Erin reviews the new French textbook

“It would be good to put some of the encourager on the lawn.”
—Erin’s in favor of fertilizing

“Move your sniffer!”
—Erin tells me what I can do after I complain about the scent of her lip balm

“You don’t want to smash it dry.”
—Erin suggests we stop playing a game

“We’d like a medium thick crust gizmo.”
—Dad orders a pizza

“I took too many, but I think you’ll need them.”
—Mom passes Dad some napkins

“You know why I didn’t read this? We didn’t have any milk.”
—Ty (this made a lot more sense in my head)

“Would you like some home-made soup? It’s almost pesticide-free.”
—Mom offers me lunch.

“She canceled herself.”
—Erin lets me know about the resignation of the cheerleading coach

“Once we have figured out the food situation, I’ll take a look at how we are shaping up in the camping fear area.”
—Matt, organizes the camping trip & volunteers for camp counselor

“This dinkafies the mantle.”
—Bernard, in a home improvement discussion

“You’re supposed to enjoy every drop.”
—Liz comments on Bernard’s spilling his milkshake

“I know, but I’m dropping every enjoyment.”
—Bernard

“His job is to break wind for Lance.”
—Dennis talks Tour de France tactics

“We’ve lost our home improvement virginity.”
—Ginger

“Watch the spleen guy!”
—Erin warns the Colorado Avalanche not to celebrate too hard after winning the Stanley Cup

“You’d have to be dumb as a pet rock to fall for that.”
—Ty receives an email telling him he’s won millions if he’ll just fly to South Africa and open an a non-resident banking account (btw, usually these are schemes to kidnap US citizens)

“It’s not really my pot holder of choice.”
—Ginger decides against using rubber gloves to remove a hot item from the oven

“If I don’t go in today, they’re not going to sweat horses.”
—Erin, deciding she may not need to return to school for the day

“Aw, I wanted to give him the Wally cheer.”
—Erin, disappointed that UP mascot Wally Pilot walked away

“You sneeze it, you eat it.”
—Erin explains that our at-home salad bar lacks a sneeze guard

“Grisly murder mystery in which cabinet-maker Lionel Smalls
must craft the door of his life.”
—Bret’s Beyond Baldardash answer for the film The Secret Door

“Hey, Bret, do you swing?”
—Erin (and this better be about dancing!)

“Yesterday it was snowing literally snowballs!”
—Erin, unable to contain her hyperbolic excitement about the winter weather

“Parenting is damage control.”
—Joe, summing up my philosophy on child-rearing

“I think I have to sit next to him…in case he needs some correction.”
—Mom declines our invitation to sit next someone other than Dad

“I used to eat more when I had a girlfriend.”
—Bret shares the secret of weight loss

“I’m corrupting the youth of the UK.”
—Ty, explaining a late-night video game session with Rob, a lad from Southhampton

“There is a staff meeting at this time. Staff members need to be there.”
—Sprague High intercom announcement, 1985

“West Salem is like somebody sneezed and made a town.”
—Police officer Jim Aguilar about Salem geography

“…if you don’t think you’ll wear it though, and it’ll just hang in the fridge…”
—Erin helps me decide whether or not to keep a shirt

“Gloria Steinem.”
—Erin hears the disco hit I Will Survive and makes a guess at the artist

“Have I led you astray in the bed department?”
—Erin, claiming superior knowledge of bed-making

“You ate yogurt and called it God.”
—Erin, in response to Ty’s pantheistic statement

“We go from Holy Family to a slab of beef!”
—Erin, complaining about Louvre’s Rembrandt picture placement

“I did the wedding licking.”
—Matt talking, I hope, about envelopes

“Viet Cong.”
—Erin’s recommendation as to what I name my new PowerBook

“I think we’re smack!”
—Erin, describing our location between Eugene and Portland

“Here’s some meat I thawed out. See if it’s any good.”
—Mom nominates me taste tester for the lunch meat

“I don’t think it makes you look fat. I think it just makes you look the way you are.”
—Mom, making me feel loads better about my sweater

“He works over at Benny Haha.”
—Dad, undoubtedly thinking of a slightly different restaurant

“Can you bring me a tortilla-type thing—except it’s made out of paper and you dab yourself with it?”
—Erin, requesting a napkin

“Like, we don’t go cold turkey on the red meat.”
—Erin explains our “pseudo-vegetarianism”

“Hi Matt. I was just taking off my shoes.”
—Erin phones a friend and gives him the scoop

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You’re beautiful.”
—Sign in a Umatilla second-hand store

“You’re a free range hen. I mean rooster.”
—Erin, making a weird analogy about all my running at Rancho San Antonio and the fact that they don’t charge admission to the park

“Hair looks good. You weren’t planning to go out tonight, right?”
—Erin, giving me the once-over

“I asked God to help my team to victory and we still loose.”
—Erin, reading a student’s paper

“What was it, a spelling bee team?”
—Ty

“Different words in different languages can mean different things.”
—one of Erin’s students grasps an essential concept

“I lost my cracker.”
—Erin

Ty: “McGwire hit number 61!”
Erin: “People?”
(Erin says she misunderstood what I said and is fully aware of Mark McGwire’s
home run record chase. Uh huh.)

“Up your moppet!”
—Erin and her new insult

“Fast and clean!”
—Erin, cheering on the San Jose Giants baseball team

“Put a jiggy in it!”
—Erin, misquoting Will Smith

“Frog on a bike! Don’t wanna miss this scene!”
—Erin, encouraging us to watch The Muppet Movie

“Are you Tutti Frutti?”
—Erin

“Deli Hero.”
—Ty’s Alaskan restaurant order taken by others to be a self-commentary

“Ow. I scraped myself on your decal.”
—Erin

“I’m Sweaty Bernadette Fancy Pants.”
—Erin

“I have a love-hate relationship with perforated edges.”
—Erin

Ty: “My neck hurts.”
Erin: “Maybe I swung you too hard.”

“What’s up with the porn industry anyway?”
—Erin

“I won’t gurgle with you, but I’ll do anything else.”
—Bruce to Erin

“Okay, it’s a ‘shoes-on’ kind of moment.”
—Erin

“I don’t have it all together like you guys.”
—Randy, troublesome Chandler Apts. tenant

“It’s hard to teach religion, for God’s sake.”
—Anya

“Due to your negligence, you are required to pay the plumber.”
—Erin’s letter to a tenant

Erin: “Do you know what’s different about me?”
Ty: “You’re pretty?”

“TCBY…This can’t be yogurt.”
—Ed

“It stands to reason that you are wrong.”
—Erin

“I think we’ll finish this tonight—unless it doesn’t go well.”
—Erin

“Come on flavor buddy!”
—Erin

“Isn’t it ‘flavor bunny’?”
—Erin

“I could be like Mad Randy!”
—Erin

“My toes are cold. I need you.”
—Erin

Erin: “Who are you trying to visit?”
Visitor: “Ryan Wheeler.”
Erin: “Ok.”
Visitor: “We better hurry; the manager is coming…”
Erin: “I am the manager.”
Visitor: “Oh, well, uh…”

Erin: “You love me!”
Ty: “Who told?”
Erin: “Your ear muff.”

“This is the kind of checklist I love!”
—Erin

“Your husband is right. You do know everything.”
—Cal, NW Natural Gas guy, to Erin

“I want you to get all the support you can…from me and your mother.”
—Erin

“Well, the hiccups—they’ve stressed my body.”
—Erin

“…so-and-so has a riffraff with Aunt Bob.”
—Carlotta

“You know Erin, the fork doesn’t satisfy.”
—Bruce

“You threatened me with rummaging!”
—Ty

“Having pictures on walls kind of sets you up for living.”
—Erin

“I’ve got your mariachi.”
—Erin

“Hit the chicken! Hit the chicken!”
—Erin

“Oh, I am sane.”
—Bret

“As a show of goodwill, IPM has charged you $50.”
—Erin’s letter to a tenant

“Hey, this is the Year of the Rat, isn’t it? This is my year!”
—Erin

“Dem toes, dem toes, dem cold toes, dem fried cold toes.”
—Erin

“Um, actually, he died.”
—Erin, answering a phone call

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.”

—Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

“Half the harm in this world is done by people who want to feel important. They don’t mean to do harm—but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.”
—T.S. Eliot

“We must picture Hell as a state where everyone is perpetually concerned about his own dignity and advancement, where everyone has a grievance, and where everyone lives the deadly serious passions of envy, self-importance, and resentment. This, to begin with.”
—C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

“To err is human, to forgive divine.”
—Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”
—Heraclitus

“That’s what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we’ve changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.”
—Richard Bach, The Bridge Across Forever

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.”
—Galileo Galilei

“Nature is not human-hearted.”
—Lao Tzu