Uh, yeah, comedic entries like these are why my site is blocked by parental web site filters. Warning: Links to nudity ahead.
Dave and I were iChatting last night when I surfed over to Craig’s List, an Internet-based bulletin board system with local sub-boards in many major cities. For example, I visit Portland’s Craig’s List from time to time to see what’s for sale, what little part-time work might be available, etc.
Craig’s List has an “erotic services” area that, much like some of Willamette Week‘s personal classifieds, is uproariously funny. Now, granted, I have no idea about the world of escort services and call girls. I’ve never used either. But I’m a connoisseur of human folly, and if ads that begin, “Hello gentlemen! My name is RodeoGirl!” don’t qualify, I don’t know what would. (My favorite headline: “Tantric bodywork in exchange for furniture moving.”)
It turns out that the going rate in Portland is between $200 and $250 an hour for “personal services.” As one site pointed out “Payment is for companionship, not sex. Prostitution is illegal.” I wonder what the District Attorney’s take on that is.
The first links I clicked took me to the scary-looking, ectomorphic, and likely heroin-addicted sisters Aleisha and Yevona. Apparently they share an apartment, but it looks like they’ve been locked away in a POW camp.
The “Tantric bodywork in exchange for furniture moving” headline caught my eye next because that sounded like a pretty funny trade of services. Indeed, jumping the link to Tantrika.sister-resister.com was a veritable comedy goldmine. “I am an artist of erotic bodywork. Through much practice and intution I have created a deep massage style that focuses on body awareness and opening flows of energy.” In other words, “I’ve taken no formal classes in massage or physical therapy, but I’ve had enough sex personally that I’m sure I can make you feel good. Especially if you’re paying $230 for two hours.”
The “My Intentions” page of the same site contains similarly flowery verbiage: “…I begin each session by expressing my intentions to the universe [Ed. note: Is the universe paying or am I?] that I will be guided to bring you to the deepest level of pleasure possible and in that, I ask to be a direct energetic link between God and you, that you may experience the infinite through my embodiment of divine energy, in the hopes that it will make a mark upon your soulÂ—so that you do not forget that you are sacred and divine.” And thanks for schlepping my furniture in your truck.
The Tantrika Friends page boasts one “tantrik monkey lover” named “Presence.” Presumably she doesn’t not actually call her clients “monkeys” during session. It would not surprise me, however, to be wrong about this.
Next I clicked to the home page of one Renee St. Clair who purports to be “new to the Internet.” She writes, “As you can see by my pictures I am going to have a baby in about 4 mos. or so. I have been an escort for about 1yr….” Coincidence? Oh I think not. She continues, “…also I am lactating and can also be a nice experience for some.” Yeah, infants.
The next advert came from Erin Green, providing a link to a nude photo gallery so hideous that looking at it even now I’m moved to tears of laughter. (Dave’s comment: “Wow. I’m nauseous.”)
The last link of the night was Seductive Krystal, another unintentional winner in our last comic standing audition. My favorite line might have been where the $120/hr Krystal writes, “And my number one goal is to make you feel I truly care about you and that you are not just another $ sign to me!” It’s nice to have goals. The 5’4″ 170 lb. Krystal is also eager to let us know that “…scheduling an appointment with me is pretty easy.” No doubt.
So three cheers for Craig’s List erotic service bulletin board and the various escorts who post there. I haven’t laughed so hard in years.