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most self-deluded online superstar

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Well, Windoze Me!

Windoze /Win'doz/ v. 1. To be completely and utterly screwed, usually by Microsoft. Ex: My operating system just crashed (again). I sure am Windozed. Given a world of approximately six billion unique individuals, it never stops amazing me that so many people are such total lemmings. Granted that the wide variety of forces—cultural, historical, etc.—which play upon human beings enforce a certain amount of homogeneousness, but sometimes I think we'd see more intellectual...

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Vive la France! Vive la Différence!

Compiled during seven weeks in France during the summer of 2000. I attack all manner of topics from the vantage point of an American in Paris, a status made obvious by my white tennis shoes, lack of a poodle, and inability to keep from showering once a day. The resulting treatise is both required reading for doctorate level Franco-American political science students and the reason France pulled out of NATO. Okay, item number one: Parisians drive around their town like...

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Prince Albert in a Can

If you're feeling trapped in your career, imagine the vice president. No matter what he says or does, there's no escaping those pesky 1996 campaign finance irregularities. Note to Al: 18 minutes of blank tape didn't help Nixon; three years of deleted email won't help you. The most immediate advantage Vice President Al Gore has in his race to the presidency, other than the currently blissful economic climate, has got to be that he's not as drop-dead stupid as his Republican...

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How Few Thoughts a Brain Holds 3

You didn't really expect me to shut up did you? Poor, poor you. Poor, poor, stupid you. The worst sub-headline in recent memory: "Easier credit gets the blame for the boom in repossessions in the four-county region even as the economy remains robust." Yes, like a thief in the night or an evil avenging angel, "Easier Credit" roams the countryside looking to strike terror into the hearts of unsuspecting homeowners everywhere. I can't fathom that newspaper writers and their...

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